I met a guy when I was 18. He was my first for everything, so of course I thought I found the one. Stupid, stupid me. Here is a little word of advice, getting together with a guy when you're 18 and thinking you have that fairy-tale romance, you're probably very wrong. Please learn warning signs early.
At this point in my life, I've fucked with weed and I hated it every time. Such a shitty feeling it gave me so the addict in me, I kept smoking it on occasions. The guy I met, he loved weed so of course I had to have him believe I liked it. Never change who you are for somebody else.
I liked drinking more then anything. Getting drunk was an easy escape. Suddenly, I wasn't shy anymore, I could have a proper conversation with someone with stuttering through it. Unfortunately, I still didn't find what I was looking for. I still needed to escape farther from reality. I thought I found the happiness in the guy, clearly it doesn't work that way, men should never be the reason you're happy.
Moving in with him so early into our relationship was mistake number one. I wanted out of my moms, I wanted all the freedom of living on your own. I didn't want responsibilities, I didn't want to come home when I was told to, I wanted to be a fucking adult and do whatever I wanted, as most kids do. I don't regret a lot in my life and even with all the emotional and physical abuse this man put me through, I would never wish we had never met. We did have good times, we had some great times....before the drugs. When I look back now, I try to remember those times.
In October of 2011, I found out I was four months pregnant. We have a beautiful little boy, who is my world. I would love to tell you when I gave birth I found that happiness that I was searching for, but I didn't. The day I gave birth, was the day I fell in love twice. My son and my opiates.
That day I was prescribed roxys (Percocet 30's) I found something that made everything okay. I could finally handle life. One snort of a little blue pill did that. Well, one pill turned into 2,3,7 as many as I could get. Attempting to afford a newborn and a pill habit became impossible. Two and half months after my son was born the question was asked, "Do you wanna try dope?"
March of 2012 was life changing, because if I thought snorting pills made everything okay, then railing two bags of dope made things great. If I did that, I could just nod through life. I could do what I wanted. I'm sure you all already know, this story doesn't have a happy ending. All good things come to an end.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
How I began......
It started with a single sentence, one phrase that changed everything about my life. I can't think of one aspect of my life that remained the same. The way I thought, any morals I was taught, my speech, how I slept, what I ate, even the way I took a shit.
"Do you wanna try heroin?"
When were kids were told drugs are bad, when were innocent kids who haven't seen the horrors of the world yet. A kids mind cant possibly wrap itself around how bad drugs are, what drugs actually take away from you. No, kids are taught the terrible health issues that come with drugs. Sure that's bad, but nothing compared to the actual lifestyle drug use brings.
Eventually we start to grow up. Us as kids begin to see our place. What we were dealt. Are we going to have that life, the one we all secretly hope for. Friends. Money. Looks. Everything that society tells you want. Or are you going to be life's bitch? When you discover nothing will come easy, everything you do will be a struggle and still nothing will go right. Discovering how cruel people are, and you're just prey.
Early on we find out there is an escape. A solid way to take us out of our skin, out of our body. So we forget what we were told, forget "drugs are bad" and experimentation begins. Rarely do we just jump into into the dope game. Weed and drinking usually come first. Then we find out,we need more of an escape, we still hate the way life was dealt. Enter in pills. That narcotic high, that blissful cloud of hope.
Lets say we use these pills for awhile. We have no idea that our body is about to betray us, just like the world around us. An opiates bitch. That is what we are. See, now we need these pills. Not to escape, no, we need them to be normal now, or we are sick, and we can't let anyone see us this way, so use more.At this point we are sicker then we could ever imagine.
Who knew those tiny little pills would cost you so much? The money is gone and if we were smart this is the moment we would have went, "fuck this, I'm not going to be a drug addict," how I wish this is what I would have said. I had someone ask if I wanted to try dope. Dope was cheaper and got you more high. I hated myself so much that I didn't care, because dope brought me love, brought me an empty mind. Dope brought me everything I never had and everything I thought I was looking for, but also never wanted. All I ever really wanted was to be happy, I took the easy way out.
"Do you wanna try heroin?"
When were kids were told drugs are bad, when were innocent kids who haven't seen the horrors of the world yet. A kids mind cant possibly wrap itself around how bad drugs are, what drugs actually take away from you. No, kids are taught the terrible health issues that come with drugs. Sure that's bad, but nothing compared to the actual lifestyle drug use brings.
Eventually we start to grow up. Us as kids begin to see our place. What we were dealt. Are we going to have that life, the one we all secretly hope for. Friends. Money. Looks. Everything that society tells you want. Or are you going to be life's bitch? When you discover nothing will come easy, everything you do will be a struggle and still nothing will go right. Discovering how cruel people are, and you're just prey.
Early on we find out there is an escape. A solid way to take us out of our skin, out of our body. So we forget what we were told, forget "drugs are bad" and experimentation begins. Rarely do we just jump into into the dope game. Weed and drinking usually come first. Then we find out,we need more of an escape, we still hate the way life was dealt. Enter in pills. That narcotic high, that blissful cloud of hope.
Lets say we use these pills for awhile. We have no idea that our body is about to betray us, just like the world around us. An opiates bitch. That is what we are. See, now we need these pills. Not to escape, no, we need them to be normal now, or we are sick, and we can't let anyone see us this way, so use more.At this point we are sicker then we could ever imagine.
Who knew those tiny little pills would cost you so much? The money is gone and if we were smart this is the moment we would have went, "fuck this, I'm not going to be a drug addict," how I wish this is what I would have said. I had someone ask if I wanted to try dope. Dope was cheaper and got you more high. I hated myself so much that I didn't care, because dope brought me love, brought me an empty mind. Dope brought me everything I never had and everything I thought I was looking for, but also never wanted. All I ever really wanted was to be happy, I took the easy way out.
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