My ex and I started selling dope pretty heavily. Seemed like the perfect set up. Sell drugs, have drugs, and get money. Nothing could go wrong there, right? We made many mistakes. I wont list them in case you get ideas, but I will tell you the results to selling drugs; Jail.
August of 2012, 4 A.M., I woke up to fifteen cops in my face with huge ass fucking guns. I'll never forget that day. After the cops raided my house and found the drugs they were looking for my son and I was driven to the police station, were we sat in a holding room for hours. Around 10 A.M. DCC&P formally known as DYFC arrived. I spent fifteen minutes talking to the worker. Eventually it hit me what was happening, this man was here to take my son. I didn't agree, I made a huge scene, two cops and my ex got called into the room to make hand my son over. There will never be a feeling that matches the feeling of watching someone else walk away with your child. You would think that feeling would be enough to stop and change my life, it wasn't, I got worse.
After being released on bail, first thing we did was pick up. The money we did have didn't last very long and eventually we hit a point that there was only one option left. I'm a girl, so I knew I could make money, as did my ex. I prostituted. I sold my ass more times then I can count. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm not dead. Between meeting random guys off of Craigslist, shooting up dope every hour, it's crazy. I say this because I don't believe in God, but a something and that something wanted me alive.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Becoming one
I am me
You are you
I see the darkness in the light
You see the light in darkness
I feel envy
You are the one to envy
I am me
You are you
Together we are one
You are you
I see the darkness in the light
You see the light in darkness
I feel envy
You are the one to envy
I am me
You are you
Together we are one
Games
Head games, heart loss
Thicker armor, less pain
Forgetting memories, scared of new
Sew me back together
Before I forget you
Thicker armor, less pain
Forgetting memories, scared of new
Sew me back together
Before I forget you
Don't stop now
At night my thoughts are running on high
Lay it to pen and paper before I close my eyes
I find myself reminiscing of everything that I once was
Got to control myself before I jump the gun and take that leap
People are dependent, shits not plain to see, I've got responsibilities that aren't what they were. No longer am I that girl who just doesn't care
Now I have found my heart, and that futures holding out
So take my finger off the trigger, hold yourself steady, not the time to feel any doubt
Time to believe in something, just to give you that something
Lay it to pen and paper before I close my eyes
I find myself reminiscing of everything that I once was
Got to control myself before I jump the gun and take that leap
People are dependent, shits not plain to see, I've got responsibilities that aren't what they were. No longer am I that girl who just doesn't care
Now I have found my heart, and that futures holding out
So take my finger off the trigger, hold yourself steady, not the time to feel any doubt
Time to believe in something, just to give you that something
Hope can be restored
In days of depression, I tend to look back to the past, when my days were crazy, and my sleep was a nod
I remember the faces, I remember the names
There were times when the darkness wasn't overbearing
The suicidal comfort of knowing what I was doing the next day. Relying on survival instincts to just get by
Charges are filed, children are taken, bids are given. The will to forget overpowering my morals as a mother
I see nnow, where we all are. I can see the hope between our ragtag pack of corrupted.
No longer are we robbing, stealing, selling to start our days
Being reunited with families, children and society as a whole
The will to forget diminishing into the will of life
I remember the faces, I remember the names
There were times when the darkness wasn't overbearing
The suicidal comfort of knowing what I was doing the next day. Relying on survival instincts to just get by
Charges are filed, children are taken, bids are given. The will to forget overpowering my morals as a mother
I see nnow, where we all are. I can see the hope between our ragtag pack of corrupted.
No longer are we robbing, stealing, selling to start our days
Being reunited with families, children and society as a whole
The will to forget diminishing into the will of life
Not everything is what it seems
Destruction, slow and deep, don't stop
Pain is what I want, make me feel
Drive it in slowly, fuck it, you know I want it rough
I want your sickness, I crave the last resort
I see the crows flying, I see the revenge
Shove me down, tell me what I'm worth
Make me see my lapse was wrong
I'm not deserving, fuck what I thought I believed
We both know what I am
What I'll never be
I'm only what you want me to be
Pain is what I want, make me feel
Drive it in slowly, fuck it, you know I want it rough
I want your sickness, I crave the last resort
I see the crows flying, I see the revenge
Shove me down, tell me what I'm worth
Make me see my lapse was wrong
I'm not deserving, fuck what I thought I believed
We both know what I am
What I'll never be
I'm only what you want me to be
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Where it started...
I met a guy when I was 18. He was my first for everything, so of course I thought I found the one. Stupid, stupid me. Here is a little word of advice, getting together with a guy when you're 18 and thinking you have that fairy-tale romance, you're probably very wrong. Please learn warning signs early.
At this point in my life, I've fucked with weed and I hated it every time. Such a shitty feeling it gave me so the addict in me, I kept smoking it on occasions. The guy I met, he loved weed so of course I had to have him believe I liked it. Never change who you are for somebody else.
I liked drinking more then anything. Getting drunk was an easy escape. Suddenly, I wasn't shy anymore, I could have a proper conversation with someone with stuttering through it. Unfortunately, I still didn't find what I was looking for. I still needed to escape farther from reality. I thought I found the happiness in the guy, clearly it doesn't work that way, men should never be the reason you're happy.
Moving in with him so early into our relationship was mistake number one. I wanted out of my moms, I wanted all the freedom of living on your own. I didn't want responsibilities, I didn't want to come home when I was told to, I wanted to be a fucking adult and do whatever I wanted, as most kids do. I don't regret a lot in my life and even with all the emotional and physical abuse this man put me through, I would never wish we had never met. We did have good times, we had some great times....before the drugs. When I look back now, I try to remember those times.
In October of 2011, I found out I was four months pregnant. We have a beautiful little boy, who is my world. I would love to tell you when I gave birth I found that happiness that I was searching for, but I didn't. The day I gave birth, was the day I fell in love twice. My son and my opiates.
That day I was prescribed roxys (Percocet 30's) I found something that made everything okay. I could finally handle life. One snort of a little blue pill did that. Well, one pill turned into 2,3,7 as many as I could get. Attempting to afford a newborn and a pill habit became impossible. Two and half months after my son was born the question was asked, "Do you wanna try dope?"
March of 2012 was life changing, because if I thought snorting pills made everything okay, then railing two bags of dope made things great. If I did that, I could just nod through life. I could do what I wanted. I'm sure you all already know, this story doesn't have a happy ending. All good things come to an end.
At this point in my life, I've fucked with weed and I hated it every time. Such a shitty feeling it gave me so the addict in me, I kept smoking it on occasions. The guy I met, he loved weed so of course I had to have him believe I liked it. Never change who you are for somebody else.
I liked drinking more then anything. Getting drunk was an easy escape. Suddenly, I wasn't shy anymore, I could have a proper conversation with someone with stuttering through it. Unfortunately, I still didn't find what I was looking for. I still needed to escape farther from reality. I thought I found the happiness in the guy, clearly it doesn't work that way, men should never be the reason you're happy.
Moving in with him so early into our relationship was mistake number one. I wanted out of my moms, I wanted all the freedom of living on your own. I didn't want responsibilities, I didn't want to come home when I was told to, I wanted to be a fucking adult and do whatever I wanted, as most kids do. I don't regret a lot in my life and even with all the emotional and physical abuse this man put me through, I would never wish we had never met. We did have good times, we had some great times....before the drugs. When I look back now, I try to remember those times.
In October of 2011, I found out I was four months pregnant. We have a beautiful little boy, who is my world. I would love to tell you when I gave birth I found that happiness that I was searching for, but I didn't. The day I gave birth, was the day I fell in love twice. My son and my opiates.
That day I was prescribed roxys (Percocet 30's) I found something that made everything okay. I could finally handle life. One snort of a little blue pill did that. Well, one pill turned into 2,3,7 as many as I could get. Attempting to afford a newborn and a pill habit became impossible. Two and half months after my son was born the question was asked, "Do you wanna try dope?"
March of 2012 was life changing, because if I thought snorting pills made everything okay, then railing two bags of dope made things great. If I did that, I could just nod through life. I could do what I wanted. I'm sure you all already know, this story doesn't have a happy ending. All good things come to an end.
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