Apart of me aside, drowning in a web of deception
Forgetting to apologize for the disaster in my wake, glorifying details better left unknown
Not sure how long a pain of silence can kill but I'm sure we are willing to test
Burrow deeper and lower until no one will see how twisted we really are
Find me on that ledge, finger on the trigger, tying tighter, higher and higher
Please forgive me, who is still there to hear my words, need I speak louder?
One last taste of pleasure before nothing else remains, slowly falling off the path laid down
No longer can we keep our head up with pain allying with gravity, grabbing me from all sides, making deals with the devil
Please forgive me
Please forgive me
Please
Forgive
Me
Sunday, December 13, 2015
You're a little liar
Learning to live by lies
Coming up with excuses, to keep yourself clean
Building up for nothing
Just waiting to blow
Keeping calm to keep it hidden
Waiting to see a truth between those lies.
Coming up with excuses, to keep yourself clean
Building up for nothing
Just waiting to blow
Keeping calm to keep it hidden
Waiting to see a truth between those lies.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
The quick downfall...
My ex and I started selling dope pretty heavily. Seemed like the perfect set up. Sell drugs, have drugs, and get money. Nothing could go wrong there, right? We made many mistakes. I wont list them in case you get ideas, but I will tell you the results to selling drugs; Jail.
August of 2012, 4 A.M., I woke up to fifteen cops in my face with huge ass fucking guns. I'll never forget that day. After the cops raided my house and found the drugs they were looking for my son and I was driven to the police station, were we sat in a holding room for hours. Around 10 A.M. DCC&P formally known as DYFC arrived. I spent fifteen minutes talking to the worker. Eventually it hit me what was happening, this man was here to take my son. I didn't agree, I made a huge scene, two cops and my ex got called into the room to make hand my son over. There will never be a feeling that matches the feeling of watching someone else walk away with your child. You would think that feeling would be enough to stop and change my life, it wasn't, I got worse.
After being released on bail, first thing we did was pick up. The money we did have didn't last very long and eventually we hit a point that there was only one option left. I'm a girl, so I knew I could make money, as did my ex. I prostituted. I sold my ass more times then I can count. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm not dead. Between meeting random guys off of Craigslist, shooting up dope every hour, it's crazy. I say this because I don't believe in God, but a something and that something wanted me alive.
August of 2012, 4 A.M., I woke up to fifteen cops in my face with huge ass fucking guns. I'll never forget that day. After the cops raided my house and found the drugs they were looking for my son and I was driven to the police station, were we sat in a holding room for hours. Around 10 A.M. DCC&P formally known as DYFC arrived. I spent fifteen minutes talking to the worker. Eventually it hit me what was happening, this man was here to take my son. I didn't agree, I made a huge scene, two cops and my ex got called into the room to make hand my son over. There will never be a feeling that matches the feeling of watching someone else walk away with your child. You would think that feeling would be enough to stop and change my life, it wasn't, I got worse.
After being released on bail, first thing we did was pick up. The money we did have didn't last very long and eventually we hit a point that there was only one option left. I'm a girl, so I knew I could make money, as did my ex. I prostituted. I sold my ass more times then I can count. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm not dead. Between meeting random guys off of Craigslist, shooting up dope every hour, it's crazy. I say this because I don't believe in God, but a something and that something wanted me alive.
Becoming one
I am me
You are you
I see the darkness in the light
You see the light in darkness
I feel envy
You are the one to envy
I am me
You are you
Together we are one
You are you
I see the darkness in the light
You see the light in darkness
I feel envy
You are the one to envy
I am me
You are you
Together we are one
Games
Head games, heart loss
Thicker armor, less pain
Forgetting memories, scared of new
Sew me back together
Before I forget you
Thicker armor, less pain
Forgetting memories, scared of new
Sew me back together
Before I forget you
Don't stop now
At night my thoughts are running on high
Lay it to pen and paper before I close my eyes
I find myself reminiscing of everything that I once was
Got to control myself before I jump the gun and take that leap
People are dependent, shits not plain to see, I've got responsibilities that aren't what they were. No longer am I that girl who just doesn't care
Now I have found my heart, and that futures holding out
So take my finger off the trigger, hold yourself steady, not the time to feel any doubt
Time to believe in something, just to give you that something
Lay it to pen and paper before I close my eyes
I find myself reminiscing of everything that I once was
Got to control myself before I jump the gun and take that leap
People are dependent, shits not plain to see, I've got responsibilities that aren't what they were. No longer am I that girl who just doesn't care
Now I have found my heart, and that futures holding out
So take my finger off the trigger, hold yourself steady, not the time to feel any doubt
Time to believe in something, just to give you that something
Hope can be restored
In days of depression, I tend to look back to the past, when my days were crazy, and my sleep was a nod
I remember the faces, I remember the names
There were times when the darkness wasn't overbearing
The suicidal comfort of knowing what I was doing the next day. Relying on survival instincts to just get by
Charges are filed, children are taken, bids are given. The will to forget overpowering my morals as a mother
I see nnow, where we all are. I can see the hope between our ragtag pack of corrupted.
No longer are we robbing, stealing, selling to start our days
Being reunited with families, children and society as a whole
The will to forget diminishing into the will of life
I remember the faces, I remember the names
There were times when the darkness wasn't overbearing
The suicidal comfort of knowing what I was doing the next day. Relying on survival instincts to just get by
Charges are filed, children are taken, bids are given. The will to forget overpowering my morals as a mother
I see nnow, where we all are. I can see the hope between our ragtag pack of corrupted.
No longer are we robbing, stealing, selling to start our days
Being reunited with families, children and society as a whole
The will to forget diminishing into the will of life
Not everything is what it seems
Destruction, slow and deep, don't stop
Pain is what I want, make me feel
Drive it in slowly, fuck it, you know I want it rough
I want your sickness, I crave the last resort
I see the crows flying, I see the revenge
Shove me down, tell me what I'm worth
Make me see my lapse was wrong
I'm not deserving, fuck what I thought I believed
We both know what I am
What I'll never be
I'm only what you want me to be
Pain is what I want, make me feel
Drive it in slowly, fuck it, you know I want it rough
I want your sickness, I crave the last resort
I see the crows flying, I see the revenge
Shove me down, tell me what I'm worth
Make me see my lapse was wrong
I'm not deserving, fuck what I thought I believed
We both know what I am
What I'll never be
I'm only what you want me to be
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Where it started...
I met a guy when I was 18. He was my first for everything, so of course I thought I found the one. Stupid, stupid me. Here is a little word of advice, getting together with a guy when you're 18 and thinking you have that fairy-tale romance, you're probably very wrong. Please learn warning signs early.
At this point in my life, I've fucked with weed and I hated it every time. Such a shitty feeling it gave me so the addict in me, I kept smoking it on occasions. The guy I met, he loved weed so of course I had to have him believe I liked it. Never change who you are for somebody else.
I liked drinking more then anything. Getting drunk was an easy escape. Suddenly, I wasn't shy anymore, I could have a proper conversation with someone with stuttering through it. Unfortunately, I still didn't find what I was looking for. I still needed to escape farther from reality. I thought I found the happiness in the guy, clearly it doesn't work that way, men should never be the reason you're happy.
Moving in with him so early into our relationship was mistake number one. I wanted out of my moms, I wanted all the freedom of living on your own. I didn't want responsibilities, I didn't want to come home when I was told to, I wanted to be a fucking adult and do whatever I wanted, as most kids do. I don't regret a lot in my life and even with all the emotional and physical abuse this man put me through, I would never wish we had never met. We did have good times, we had some great times....before the drugs. When I look back now, I try to remember those times.
In October of 2011, I found out I was four months pregnant. We have a beautiful little boy, who is my world. I would love to tell you when I gave birth I found that happiness that I was searching for, but I didn't. The day I gave birth, was the day I fell in love twice. My son and my opiates.
That day I was prescribed roxys (Percocet 30's) I found something that made everything okay. I could finally handle life. One snort of a little blue pill did that. Well, one pill turned into 2,3,7 as many as I could get. Attempting to afford a newborn and a pill habit became impossible. Two and half months after my son was born the question was asked, "Do you wanna try dope?"
March of 2012 was life changing, because if I thought snorting pills made everything okay, then railing two bags of dope made things great. If I did that, I could just nod through life. I could do what I wanted. I'm sure you all already know, this story doesn't have a happy ending. All good things come to an end.
At this point in my life, I've fucked with weed and I hated it every time. Such a shitty feeling it gave me so the addict in me, I kept smoking it on occasions. The guy I met, he loved weed so of course I had to have him believe I liked it. Never change who you are for somebody else.
I liked drinking more then anything. Getting drunk was an easy escape. Suddenly, I wasn't shy anymore, I could have a proper conversation with someone with stuttering through it. Unfortunately, I still didn't find what I was looking for. I still needed to escape farther from reality. I thought I found the happiness in the guy, clearly it doesn't work that way, men should never be the reason you're happy.
Moving in with him so early into our relationship was mistake number one. I wanted out of my moms, I wanted all the freedom of living on your own. I didn't want responsibilities, I didn't want to come home when I was told to, I wanted to be a fucking adult and do whatever I wanted, as most kids do. I don't regret a lot in my life and even with all the emotional and physical abuse this man put me through, I would never wish we had never met. We did have good times, we had some great times....before the drugs. When I look back now, I try to remember those times.
In October of 2011, I found out I was four months pregnant. We have a beautiful little boy, who is my world. I would love to tell you when I gave birth I found that happiness that I was searching for, but I didn't. The day I gave birth, was the day I fell in love twice. My son and my opiates.
That day I was prescribed roxys (Percocet 30's) I found something that made everything okay. I could finally handle life. One snort of a little blue pill did that. Well, one pill turned into 2,3,7 as many as I could get. Attempting to afford a newborn and a pill habit became impossible. Two and half months after my son was born the question was asked, "Do you wanna try dope?"
March of 2012 was life changing, because if I thought snorting pills made everything okay, then railing two bags of dope made things great. If I did that, I could just nod through life. I could do what I wanted. I'm sure you all already know, this story doesn't have a happy ending. All good things come to an end.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
How I began......
It started with a single sentence, one phrase that changed everything about my life. I can't think of one aspect of my life that remained the same. The way I thought, any morals I was taught, my speech, how I slept, what I ate, even the way I took a shit.
"Do you wanna try heroin?"
When were kids were told drugs are bad, when were innocent kids who haven't seen the horrors of the world yet. A kids mind cant possibly wrap itself around how bad drugs are, what drugs actually take away from you. No, kids are taught the terrible health issues that come with drugs. Sure that's bad, but nothing compared to the actual lifestyle drug use brings.
Eventually we start to grow up. Us as kids begin to see our place. What we were dealt. Are we going to have that life, the one we all secretly hope for. Friends. Money. Looks. Everything that society tells you want. Or are you going to be life's bitch? When you discover nothing will come easy, everything you do will be a struggle and still nothing will go right. Discovering how cruel people are, and you're just prey.
Early on we find out there is an escape. A solid way to take us out of our skin, out of our body. So we forget what we were told, forget "drugs are bad" and experimentation begins. Rarely do we just jump into into the dope game. Weed and drinking usually come first. Then we find out,we need more of an escape, we still hate the way life was dealt. Enter in pills. That narcotic high, that blissful cloud of hope.
Lets say we use these pills for awhile. We have no idea that our body is about to betray us, just like the world around us. An opiates bitch. That is what we are. See, now we need these pills. Not to escape, no, we need them to be normal now, or we are sick, and we can't let anyone see us this way, so use more.At this point we are sicker then we could ever imagine.
Who knew those tiny little pills would cost you so much? The money is gone and if we were smart this is the moment we would have went, "fuck this, I'm not going to be a drug addict," how I wish this is what I would have said. I had someone ask if I wanted to try dope. Dope was cheaper and got you more high. I hated myself so much that I didn't care, because dope brought me love, brought me an empty mind. Dope brought me everything I never had and everything I thought I was looking for, but also never wanted. All I ever really wanted was to be happy, I took the easy way out.
"Do you wanna try heroin?"
When were kids were told drugs are bad, when were innocent kids who haven't seen the horrors of the world yet. A kids mind cant possibly wrap itself around how bad drugs are, what drugs actually take away from you. No, kids are taught the terrible health issues that come with drugs. Sure that's bad, but nothing compared to the actual lifestyle drug use brings.
Eventually we start to grow up. Us as kids begin to see our place. What we were dealt. Are we going to have that life, the one we all secretly hope for. Friends. Money. Looks. Everything that society tells you want. Or are you going to be life's bitch? When you discover nothing will come easy, everything you do will be a struggle and still nothing will go right. Discovering how cruel people are, and you're just prey.
Early on we find out there is an escape. A solid way to take us out of our skin, out of our body. So we forget what we were told, forget "drugs are bad" and experimentation begins. Rarely do we just jump into into the dope game. Weed and drinking usually come first. Then we find out,we need more of an escape, we still hate the way life was dealt. Enter in pills. That narcotic high, that blissful cloud of hope.
Lets say we use these pills for awhile. We have no idea that our body is about to betray us, just like the world around us. An opiates bitch. That is what we are. See, now we need these pills. Not to escape, no, we need them to be normal now, or we are sick, and we can't let anyone see us this way, so use more.At this point we are sicker then we could ever imagine.
Who knew those tiny little pills would cost you so much? The money is gone and if we were smart this is the moment we would have went, "fuck this, I'm not going to be a drug addict," how I wish this is what I would have said. I had someone ask if I wanted to try dope. Dope was cheaper and got you more high. I hated myself so much that I didn't care, because dope brought me love, brought me an empty mind. Dope brought me everything I never had and everything I thought I was looking for, but also never wanted. All I ever really wanted was to be happy, I took the easy way out.
Friday, April 17, 2015
ACS
You came into this world, I destroyed it that quickly
I fell in love twice that day
Pretending that you gave me all that lost comfort
But I lied to myself
The love I felt for that drug overpowered the love I had as a mother
Two years I put you through hell
Two years that I just didn't care
All because I fell in love twice that day
Losing you was hard, but I still didn't care
I still had faith in a love that was never true
Still always thinking I had just one more time
All because I fell in love twice that day
Dreams I had for you were quickly fading
Time was lie, just like that last high
Reality was here, make a choice and make it fast
A life was ending and I knew
That this just wasn't what I was meant to do
All because I fell in love twice that day
Here with you now I only need that one love
Your eyes to stare, that laugh to hear
Years to make up because I left you
Nothing will defeat us because he we are
I threw my hands up, now I feel your arms around me
I fell in love twice that day
Today your love is the love I need
Monday, February 2, 2015
How do you title, when you don't even have the story straight
Burning hands, fire lips, words of war
Believe me I keep thinking the same things over and over again.
Touching to keep sense of everything. Trying hard not to lose myself.
Who am I, who am I to fight this battle alone?
How can I make this as simple as possible
I need someone to clear the way, shine a light, send a flare
Creation is beautiful. Remember what we made together?
The fire burned so bright
I'm scared it's fading, I see it dimming everyday
Battle scars, broken homes, future failing.
Are you willing to join the war, side-by-side, ride or die?
Keep this together because I can't fight alone anymore
Who am I, to be up against what you're not willing to fight
Believe me I keep thinking the same things over and over again.
Touching to keep sense of everything. Trying hard not to lose myself.
Who am I, who am I to fight this battle alone?
How can I make this as simple as possible
I need someone to clear the way, shine a light, send a flare
Creation is beautiful. Remember what we made together?
The fire burned so bright
I'm scared it's fading, I see it dimming everyday
Battle scars, broken homes, future failing.
Are you willing to join the war, side-by-side, ride or die?
Keep this together because I can't fight alone anymore
Who am I, to be up against what you're not willing to fight
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Expressionism
Been trying to express for awhile now how i feel, but nobodies there to listen
With the million of thoughts running through my head, shouldn't there be one person to hear what I gotta say
Been told before to be open, what i got to say means something. What happens when the audience just doesn't care?
who would keep going? Putting pen to paper every night still hoping their words could impact someone else.
Hoping anybody will take consideration that you're more than a junkie
That I've got something to say
With the million of thoughts running through my head, shouldn't there be one person to hear what I gotta say
Been told before to be open, what i got to say means something. What happens when the audience just doesn't care?
who would keep going? Putting pen to paper every night still hoping their words could impact someone else.
Hoping anybody will take consideration that you're more than a junkie
That I've got something to say
Sunday, January 18, 2015
No meds, no sleep, new shit
All your feelings come crashing back
Lost control over the emotions
Don't remember how to handle it all
Got so used to being numb
That the void got so comfortable
You'll do anything to have it back
To get to slip back just one more time
Falling under its normality
It's a wicked romance of want and freedom
Where you're both cat and mouse
Chasing what you want and hiding from what you need
Lost control over the emotions
Don't remember how to handle it all
Got so used to being numb
That the void got so comfortable
You'll do anything to have it back
To get to slip back just one more time
Falling under its normality
It's a wicked romance of want and freedom
Where you're both cat and mouse
Chasing what you want and hiding from what you need
Slow fall down
How many times have we had the same fight?
Throwing words around as if were throwing punches
Lets see who can hurt the other more 'You did this, you did that,
why the fuck can't you be what I want'
I haven't changed for me, what makes
You think imma change for you?
Been down this road before 'I'm sorry, I
Love you' bitch, don't try it, it's not going to work.
Told you I don't need you to hold me down,
I'm only letting you.
I like us together when were not throwing blows
Just need to get off this petty guilt trip
Because soon or later 'I love you' is
going to start sounding like 'fuck you'
Cause baby, you know, destruction runs deep in my veins.
Throwing words around as if were throwing punches
Lets see who can hurt the other more 'You did this, you did that,
why the fuck can't you be what I want'
I haven't changed for me, what makes
You think imma change for you?
Been down this road before 'I'm sorry, I
Love you' bitch, don't try it, it's not going to work.
Told you I don't need you to hold me down,
I'm only letting you.
I like us together when were not throwing blows
Just need to get off this petty guilt trip
Because soon or later 'I love you' is
going to start sounding like 'fuck you'
Cause baby, you know, destruction runs deep in my veins.
Before the Submit
Don't stop to change, don't stop to breath
Hold your own and hold on tight
Forgot the time, forget the place
Life in this lane isn't a game
Come ups and come downs
Regret will be close behind
Broken promises and cheating hearts
Time to face who you are
Empty bags and broken dreams
Cigarette burns from cheating death
Make a choice
Make it fast
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